My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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