when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
