Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
