he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm getting married
To pizza
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
