I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
