good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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