I wish I only lived at night.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
