I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
