i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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