i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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