he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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