I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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