I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
