you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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