sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You can't special order awesome
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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