watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
