Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
