I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
