Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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