I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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