I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize