you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize