I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
