GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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