did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
either way he was missing a nipple.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
