I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
