No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
