I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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