I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
