That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
