Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
