I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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