Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
