yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
