Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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