saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
