im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
