My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
