Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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