He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
