By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
