I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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