I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
