This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
