somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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