"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
