First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
