new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
as a side note pls kill me
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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