Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
