then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
