I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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