Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
