Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
