she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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