I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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