At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Mom said you looked used
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
