So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
