Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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