just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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