I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
we're so committed to being not committed
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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