You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
