is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
