i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
