census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
