coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
