At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
