why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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